Time Out is Not What You Think

Time out is one of the best, but least understood anger management tools for kids

Instead of an anger management tool, time out is viewed by most as a punishment for acting out. However, when you really stop and think about it the real purpose behind it is to help a child learn how to have better control over his or her emotions and behavior.

The trouble with using time out as punishment is the message they get is “If I act out I get into trouble”.  You might be asking, “well, isn’t that the point?”, The problem is that no one likes punishment and they come to resent and fight it. Chances are you are reading this article because time out hasn’t been a very effective anger management technique for their kids. Matter of fact you may find that using anger management as a punishment actually makes your kids act out more. Why is this? There are three reasons :  1) kids are learning that they can get mom and dads attention by acting out; 2) they come to see time out as punishment which makes them even more mad and 3) it doesn’t give them a sense of empowerment over themselves which is what we are really aiming for here.

What I suggest is telling your kids that time out is not meant as punishment, but instead as a way for them to learn how to calm down and have control over their emotions. With younger kids its especially effective if you frame it as learning how to act like the “big boys and girls” because younger kids really want to be like big kids. Its important to calmly and evenly keep repeating to them that you want to listen to what they have to say but that you can’t do that when they are screaming and fussing. And after they have calmed down spend a minute or two talking to them about what upset them in the first place. This doesn’t mean caving in to them, it means allowing them to have their say and that, even if you don’t agree with them, you will treat them with respect if they talk rather than act out in anger.

After a little bit of practice you will find that when your child starts to seem restless or on the verge of getting angry you may find that they will voluntarily use this anger management skill and go into time out if you simply ask them if they need some time to relax. After awhile longer you will find your children spontaneously taking time outs on their own (hard to believe I know, but try it – it works!).

Think about what a difference this  anger management approach would have made for you if you taught this when you were so young. It would have become as second nature to you as using a knife and fork. Time out, when used the right way, can be an extremely effective anger management technique. What kind of difference would this have made for you when you were growing up? It would have made recognizing and managing your feelings as second nature as walking to you. Using time out the right way ia an extremely effective anger management technique.